days 26-32

Days 26-32: I went to Hawaii with a couple of friends. Both are meditators. It was amazing. I know, I know. Of course it was amazing, I was in Hawaii after all. Besides the obvious reason, like the beauty of the place, I was able to relax in a way I haven’t in years. This was the first time I had gone away for more than a few days and I felt my anxiety melt away. I meditated every day. I sat outside with the sound of the ocean and the light breeze and I closed my eyes. Some days were easier and some days were less so, but it’s finally starting to feel like a real part of my life and I’m so grateful. Today is my first day home and I haven’t sat down yet but I will!

days 24 & 25

Days 24 & 25: I am still struggling. There, I said it. I really think I should be having an easier time of it by now. But I’m not. I have been ending before the timer goes off lately because the whole time I’m sitting there with my eyes closed trying to meditate, I just feel like I’m sitting with my eyes closed! And more thoughts come at me than ever. I’m going to Hawaii tomorrow with my friend and meditation partner so I know I will have some good sessions there. I'm grateful to be in the practice but I just want to feel more peaceful in it no matter if I’m sitting with someone else or by myself.

day 23

Day 23: Today was pretty good. No wait, today was good. I realized the other day that with all of the crazy thoughts that fly into my mind, there are also moments of calm. It’s like a glass half empty/half full thing. I can choose to remember only that I had chaos in my mind or I can know that there was also beauty. I am choosing to look at the beautiful practice that I am creating.

days 21 & 22

Days 21 & 22: The last 2 days were better. I meditated both days with my friend. We exercised first and then sat down for 20 minutes to practice. There is something that helps me to settle and calm my mind more when I have the energy of another person who is there with me. I tend to isolate a lot when I am sad or frustrated so this is a welcome change for me.

day 20

Day 20: I wish it weren’t true, but this still feels like a chore to me. It’s one of those things that I keep telling myself that I “have to do”. It mostly feels like I’m just sitting with my eyes closed for 20 minutes. I have itches, twitches, sensations, aches, pains. I was feeling frustrated and then suddenly at about minute 16, it happened. My brain calmed down. Finally! The thoughts were still there but softer, slower. It was like an exhale. Please please let this happen sooner next time.

day 19

Day 19: Back to Unplug: www.unplugmeditation.com This was a movement meditation guided by Steve Ross, which was new to me. We sat with our eyes closed and moved our hands gently in and out from each other in concert with our breath. After a few minutes I started to feel the sensation of pressure in the space between my hands. It was as if a magnet was pulling them together and apart. It was at the same time exciting and calming. It was wonderful to feel the sensation that he was describing, especially since I’ve been struggling with my practice.

day 18

Day 18: So I closed my eyes and started thinkng of that waterfall. Of the little space behind it. I’m not sure it helped. I’m not sure it didn’t. I kept picturing it but it felt like a competing thought in my mind. I tried to just focus on my breath and then I would go back to the picture of the waterfall and then back to my breath again. I did make it to the 20 minutes so that’s something.