days 26-32

Days 26-32: I went to Hawaii with a couple of friends. Both are meditators. It was amazing. I know, I know. Of course it was amazing, I was in Hawaii after all. Besides the obvious reason, like the beauty of the place, I was able to relax in a way I haven’t in years. This was the first time I had gone away for more than a few days and I felt my anxiety melt away. I meditated every day. I sat outside with the sound of the ocean and the light breeze and I closed my eyes. Some days were easier and some days were less so, but it’s finally starting to feel like a real part of my life and I’m so grateful. Today is my first day home and I haven’t sat down yet but I will!

days 24 & 25

Days 24 & 25: I am still struggling. There, I said it. I really think I should be having an easier time of it by now. But I’m not. I have been ending before the timer goes off lately because the whole time I’m sitting there with my eyes closed trying to meditate, I just feel like I’m sitting with my eyes closed! And more thoughts come at me than ever. I’m going to Hawaii tomorrow with my friend and meditation partner so I know I will have some good sessions there. I'm grateful to be in the practice but I just want to feel more peaceful in it no matter if I’m sitting with someone else or by myself.

day 23

Day 23: Today was pretty good. No wait, today was good. I realized the other day that with all of the crazy thoughts that fly into my mind, there are also moments of calm. It’s like a glass half empty/half full thing. I can choose to remember only that I had chaos in my mind or I can know that there was also beauty. I am choosing to look at the beautiful practice that I am creating.

days 21 & 22

Days 21 & 22: The last 2 days were better. I meditated both days with my friend. We exercised first and then sat down for 20 minutes to practice. There is something that helps me to settle and calm my mind more when I have the energy of another person who is there with me. I tend to isolate a lot when I am sad or frustrated so this is a welcome change for me.

day 20

Day 20: I wish it weren’t true, but this still feels like a chore to me. It’s one of those things that I keep telling myself that I “have to do”. It mostly feels like I’m just sitting with my eyes closed for 20 minutes. I have itches, twitches, sensations, aches, pains. I was feeling frustrated and then suddenly at about minute 16, it happened. My brain calmed down. Finally! The thoughts were still there but softer, slower. It was like an exhale. Please please let this happen sooner next time.

day 19

Day 19: Back to Unplug: www.unplugmeditation.com This was a movement meditation guided by Steve Ross, which was new to me. We sat with our eyes closed and moved our hands gently in and out from each other in concert with our breath. After a few minutes I started to feel the sensation of pressure in the space between my hands. It was as if a magnet was pulling them together and apart. It was at the same time exciting and calming. It was wonderful to feel the sensation that he was describing, especially since I’ve been struggling with my practice.

day 18

Day 18: So I closed my eyes and started thinkng of that waterfall. Of the little space behind it. I’m not sure it helped. I’m not sure it didn’t. I kept picturing it but it felt like a competing thought in my mind. I tried to just focus on my breath and then I would go back to the picture of the waterfall and then back to my breath again. I did make it to the 20 minutes so that’s something.

day 17

Day 17: Today I went back to Unplug. If you haven’t heard of it, check it out at www.unplugmeditation.com I always have a good experience there. The space is so serene and calm and the instructors are gentle as they guide the meditation. After a minor setback yesterday, it was nice to have a little help. They did a bodyscan meditation where you focus on your body starting at your toes and move all the way up to the crown of your head. It’s a wonderful exercise in keeping your attention and breathe on a very small part of yourself at a time. The instructor said something that really helped me today. She said your mind is like a waterfall, with the thoughts pouring down like water. Try to focus on the space behind the water. That little cavern that is calm and safe. This resonated with me today and I plan to use it tomorrow!

day 16

Day 16: Well I guess I thought that I had turned the meditation corner, that it would just keep getting better and better. I was wrong. I woke up anxious this morning. Not even sure why but it was there in the pit of my stomach. An uneasy feeling. What better time to meditate right? I found a sweet spot outside with a light breeze and I started. Where was that sweet spot I had just found? It was as if it was my forst time. I kept fidgeting. I was concerned that people walking by were looking at me. I was thinking about what I needed to do and what I had forgot to do. Ugh! I decided to be easy on myself. Every day in meditation is different as is every day in life. Today is as it should be. I’m grateful for that. Tomorrow is another day.

day 15

Day 15: I had my best session yet. I kept thinking to breathe in love and breathe out fear. In love and out fear. I started to feel supported in a way that I haven’t before. I say that to myself a lot, that I am supported by the universe, but I have to admit that it usually feels like something I’m trying to believe rather than what feels like the truth. During my meditation I had a strong feeling of being supported physically and emotionallly. I felt myself smile. Of course I started to analyze it and it took me out of that yummy feeling but I was very aware of the overall positive feeling. I’m encouraged.

day 14

Day 14: Today I think I made a tiny breakthrough. Maybe. I set the timer and for some reason it felt like the thoughts were coming at me a little more slowly, gently. For the first time it was kind of like everyone else has described. The thoughts came in and I let myself notice them and then they floated away...for the first few minutes. As soon as I noticed that it was happening, it was as if I turned on a switch and they started coming faster and faster. I immeditately felt defeated but then I was grateful to have experienced those few minutes. It's a process.

day 13

Day 13: I’m having a hard time sitting down to meditate when I have an extremely busy day. I’m on the computer and running around trying to take care of things and I keep remembering that I need, no WANT to sit down and close my eyes and breathe for 20 minutes, but I keep pushing it back. I tell myself I’ll sit down right after I finish this and then that. Before I know it the day is over. People say that the busier you are, the more you need to meditate. I believe it but I still keep going. And going. I know I can do it at the end of the day but at that point I turn into a vegetable. I guess what I’m trying to say is I missed my meditation today. I failed. Ok, no I won’t say failed. I missed a day. Tomorrow, yes tomorrow.

day 12

Day 12: Speaking of dogs, I have a gorgeous 70 lb. black lab mix named Ruby. She was a rescue and I love her more than anything. She is a handful though. Today I turned on the timer and started to breathe. In and out. Om sa. Suddenly Ruby starts to bark like only a 70 lb. dog can. I told myself that it didn’t matter what was going on outside of me. I am calm and breathing. She kept barking. Now she came into my room and onto the bed where I was “peacefully” sitting with my eyes closed. Still barking. I started breathing deeper. Still barking. Finally I reached out and grabbed her, with my eyes closed as if I was still meditating. I started saying om sa out loud like I knew it would calm her. It didn’t. Sigh

day 11

Day 11: When you get a puppy the experts say that crate training is good for them. The dog starts out whining and crying and protesting the crate, that it’s like a prison, but eventually the puppy learns to love that little space. It feels safe to them. I am starting to feel like one of those pups. My meditation practice is my own little crate, complete with bars and a lock. All I wanted at first was to escape, to break free of the 20 minute prison I had sentenced myself to endure. But now I’m starting to see it as a spot that I can crawl into and be safe from everything. The feeling comes and goes during the 20 minutes but at least it’s starting to come!

day 10

Day 10: I work out twice a week with a friend who is a dedicated meditator, or “ded med” as I call it. He suggested that we meditate together after our workouts. What a great idea! I can take in some of his energy and I’m certain that will help me in my practice. We finished our workout and sat down in his backyard, which is a very serene and lovely place. The perfect spot to meditate. He set his phone for 20 minutes and we began. It definitely felt different than when I practice on my own. A bit calmer. “I like this”, I thought. Not long after that feeling I started to notice another feeling, a longing perhaps, a deep and intense desire...to peek at him. I kept wondering if he was really meditating at all or if he was just watching me, amused. Was he making funny faces at me and laughing. Was he doing the meditator’s version of the photo bomb? Somehow I resisted and made it to the end. Aah. 20 minutes and I feel better.

day 9

Day 9: Back to practicing on my own today. Remember when you were a kid and you went on a car trip with your parents? You were in the back seat and about 30 minutes in to a 10 hour drive you started asking “are we there yet?” Well, that’s what goes on inside my head. “Are we there yet? Are we finished yet? Am I finished yet?” I also felt like my parents with all the shushing I did. I decided to trick my mind by telling myself that it had only been 5 minutes, even though it seemd like 20. That helped a little. Then when it seemed like 30 I told myself it had only been 10. I was able to relax a bit more even though the time dragged. 20 minutes finally came and I was grateful that I made it.

day 8

Day 8: An amazing woman I know recently opened a business called Unplug Meditation here in Los Angeles. It’s brilliant. Unplug is doing for meditation what was done for yoga years ago; making it accessible. I tried it out and it was so helpful. The space is very simple and calming. They have these super comfortable chairs and the lights are soft and low. There is an instructor to gently guide you through. It was a perfect way for me start feeling more comfortable in my practice. I want to go back. It would be great to go once a week to help keep me on track. If you are beginning to meditate I hope you get an Unplug in your city soon! Check out www.unplugmeditation.com

day 7

Day 7: The second day at sea was better. I went outside early while everyone else was still nursing their hangovers. It was cloudy and cool and when I sat on a chair I was able to relax and set that timer to 20. I felt the sea breeze on my face. I kept breathing. It was quiet outside and almost as quiet inside! It still felt like longer than 20 minutes but the barrage of thoughts seemed to come at me a little more slowly. I felt a real sense of accomplishment when my timer went off. The rest of the day seemed to float by(get it?).

day 6

Day 6: I went on a weekend cruise with a friend and was excited to be out in the middle of the ocean and be very serene. I was going to spend 2 sunny days relaxing and getting centered. This was going to jump start my practice, right? Wrong. I guess I didn’t really think about the fact that this was a “booze cruise”. Not really conducive to serenity. As I was sitting up on the top deck taking deep breathes and trying to get centered I couldn’t help but hear the hairy chest contest that was taking place just below me at the pool. I told myself to follow the breath, not to bother myself with what was going on outside myself. EPIC FAIL. I kept peeking to see which guy was shaking what his momma gave him to get the audience to scream and clap for him. Sigh. I ordered a drink.

day 5

Day 5: I decided not to put so much emphasis on whether or not I “practiced” every day. I told myself that even if I was only able to sit a few days a week, it would be ok, it would still be beneficial. To judge myself so harshly defeats the purpose, and that taking some of the pressure off will help me to actually do it. So that day I leisurely turned off the alerts and turned on the timer. 20 minutes. I kept breathing and saying “om sa, om sa”. Now I was so aware of my breathing that each breath started to feel forced. It was like I couldn’t get a deep enough breath. I was trying too hard to control each breath and it was making me anxious. Aaaahhh! When will I be able to meditate like everyone else? When will I start to feel like I’m really meditating?

day 4

Day4: This time I told myself that I was going to meditate right after I finished some work on the computer. One thing led to another and suddenly I was running late for work(I own a little bead/jewelry shop). I had to go. I got so flustered as I was rushing out that I forced myself to go right back into my apt and sit my ass down. I told myself that 20 mins of meditation was more important than anything in that moment. So I sat down, turned off the alerts, turned on the timer and started. My anxiety was so heightened by that point that after what seemed like an eternity, I peeked at the clock. It had only been 7 minutes. No, not 7 minutes of heaven, 7 minutes of hell! I turned the damn thing off and ran off to my store. Of course now I was judging myself for my “failure” to meditate. There’s always tomorrow, right?

day 3

Day 3: I seem to have trouble saying rum. Russell Simmons says to say it because it’s supposed to have no meaning, so you don’t attach thoughts to the phrase. But rum makes me think of some yummy frozen drink with an umbrella that is served in a tropical paradise. Then I start to think about my last vacation, or my next vacation, or some fabulous vacation that was posted on Facebook by someone who is a “friend” but who for the life of me I can’t remember. Om sa is another phrase they tell you to say. It has no meaning for me so that should be good right? Wrong. It has no meaning so then my mind really heats up and I go down every thought path you can imagine...and a few you can’t. Ok, new strategy. I’ve been telling myself that I am not alone, that I am supported by the universe in having everything I desire: health, happiness, peace, abundance and joy. So I decided to say “I am supported” for 20 minutes. That seemed to help a bit. I kept saying it. I am supported. I am supported. My mind still went wandering. A lot, in fact, but I kept dragging it back saying I am supported. I am supported damn it!

day 2

Day 2: took my lesson from yesterday and turned off the alerts and set the timer. I kept feeling itchy. My face itched. My leg itched. My faced itched again. The more I tried to ignore it, the more I felt it. Another eternity. I later learned that it’s ok to scratch. If you take care of that little annoyance right away, then you can move right past it and into your practice. Once again, makes sense.

Ok, so let’s start from the beginning. Day 1: Set the timer on the phone but I didn’t know that I could turn off the alerts for calls and texts so every time I heard a ding I opened my eyes and checked. That of course took me and my mind right into what was happening on the phone. The 20 minutes went by quickly because I was answering texts! Needless to say, not much meditation. I then found out that if you turn your alerts off your timer still sounds. Makes sense...

365 days of meditation...you're not good at it until you are

I’ve tried to meditate before. Every morning a few years back I put headphones on and listened to different guided meditations that I had downloaded onto my Ipod. Usually I ended up dozing off. I always liked what I heard on the recordings but it never felt like meditation. After a while i just stopped and didn’t think about it again until recently. A friend who has been meditating for many years and credits much of his success, both personal and professional, brought it back up. He gave me a book by Russell Simmons, which I read quickly. Simmons spoke of the positive effects of meditation and he had me convinced. So I decided to give it another go. The thing is, everyone says how amazing meditation is for you, both mentally and even physically, but no one talks about how hard it is. Yeah, they brush over it but they don’t really tell you everything. So here I am. Ready to tell you everything. Everything I experience in my quest to be “good” at meditation. I know. they say it’s a practice. They say that when the thoughts come in you should take note and then let them gently float on by. Hmmmm. Maybe it’s just me, but the thoughts don’t gently do anything. They come rushing in and as soon as I notice them they get even bigger...and louder...and more obnoxious. A guy I know who recently started told me the other day that he’s so happy he’s meditating and that he doesn’t know how even made it through life before. Really? All I can think is that I must be even worse at it than I thought! I can’t even really call what I’ve been doing now for about a week meditation so I’ll just say I’m practicing. I set the timer on my phone for 20 minutes because they say that 20 mins is the least you need to really get the postivie effects. It feels more like an hour. I keep telling myself to relax. I tell myself that the time will go by either way and that 20 mins spent doing something positive is always a good thing, right? Almost every time though, I start thinking that something is wrong with the timer, that 20 mins has come and gone! Confession: I end up looking at the clock more times than not. It’s not all torture, I promise. I have moments, however fleeting, that feel like it could be happening. That perhaps I am starting to float into another realm, but as soon as I notice I’m right back in the middle of my thoughts.